Why do we go back to our first love?
The bottle spun, round and round. My thoughts were racing. Who was I going to get, I thought to myself. Where will the bottle land? My palms got sweaty, as I played off looking cool in the moment. Inside, I was a wreck waiting for my time to come when I would get my very first kiss. Outside, I smiled through the awkwardness and the shyness of the situation.
The bottle stopped.
It landed on a boy from my school that I had classes with and saw, but never actually interacted. I knew of him. He was wild and rambunctious. He was a musical genius with an angelic voice; but that was all I knew.
The bottle stopped.
My heart was racing as we leaned in for a kiss. Then it happened. We kissed. My first kiss. His lips were softly pressed against mine. In that moment, we were the only two in the room full of people. I completely forgot about the cast party at hand while we kissed.
The bottle stopped.
The kiss was only a few seconds, but it felt like a lifetime for me. We pulled apart and I still felt his lips upon mine. I tried to hide the goofy smile from my face, as the game continued. The whole night, I couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss. The party was the last thing on my mind. He was all I could think about.
I knew I had a romantic attraction to men but kissing him made me confirm that I was fully attracted to men. Days passed, which turned into months, and I still couldn’t stop thinking about him. He was my first kiss. He was my first love.
The bottle stopped.
First love. It is a feeling we get that makes us feel all silly inside. Our stomach flutter with excitement, emotions, and unpredictability. We make rash decisions. We feel all foolish. It is a feeling when we get all tongue-tied and our words feel twisted, even though we have thought of words on a loop for long periods of time. Time is nonexistent when it comes to first love. It can be beautiful, at the same time, embarrassing but we don’t see it that way. So, why do we always go back to our first love?
It was a time when life was so simple. We didn’t have to think of the harsh realities we would eventually live in. We just had our hopes and dreams. We didn’t care to look foolish. Love is simple when it’s your first, because nothing else matters and that is natural. The only thing on our mind is love.
The bottle stopped.
I did some silly things when I had my first love. It’s natural. I found out that he would hang out every day, after school, in the high school theatre and just play his guitar. So, I would miss the bus purposely, just so I could potentially see him. The theatre was where he spent most of his time, so naturally, I did the same. When I went home, I would think of nothing but him. I went for walks, for hours, just to clear my head of him; but never could think of anything else.
I would play scenarios in my head that he felt the same for me. I accepted any party invitations that anybody at our school was throwing, just in the hopes I would see him there. I envisioned that we would chat and just hit it off. When he was at the same party, I would get tongue-tied and nervous to talk to him. I would just hope someone would want to play spin the bottle again; just so I could attempt to kiss him again.
I loved him from a far for a year and a half. I thought about him all that time. I thought one day, we would share our mutual feelings with each other and run off into the sunset together. That’s how it works, right?
The bottle stopped.
You’re reading this now and thinking exactly what I am thinking, as I write this. You acted silly. That’s first love. I wanted to tell him, but timing was never right. People were always around and when there wasn’t anybody near us, I couldn’t. I didn’t want us to be awkward towards each other. We spent so much time together in theatre, that I didn’t want to ruin that. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid that the feeling was not mutual. So, I just would dream of telling him all my feelings.
Timing was never right for us. I wanted to tell him everything but couldn’t find the right words. Eventually, I didn’t know how to control my feelings. He became friends with someone in my daily life—that I will call Bob—so, I knew I could never tell him anything. Bob would have crushed my dreams even more. Did Bob know I loved him? I don’t know. But Bob managed to tarnish whatever him and I had anyways.
Freakin’ Bob.
My kindness for the boy, grew into being bitter and mean towards him. I was frustrated at myself for not having the courage to just admit my feelings. I didn’t know how to release these feelings that I held onto for so long. Especially since it was beginning to look doomed. I couldn’t compete with Bob. Everyone loved Bob. He had it all. Everyone wanted to be their friend. Bob was older, funny, and good looking. I was still awkward and finding out who I was. I was still in love with a fantasy, that grew more and more unrealistic by the minute.
My meanness took a toll on what little the relationship my crush and I shared. The boy I loved finally snapped at me, in front of people. I can still remember the fury of fire in his eyes. He was my world; but to him, I was the devil. He was the only person I wanted to see every day, while I was the last person he wanted to see.
The bottle stopped.
To this day, I never told him my feelings. But the was my first love and I’m happy with what I was able to learn from it.
It taught me that sometimes it’s okay to be foolish, or to look foolish. That’s what love is. It’s okay to be open, emotional, and raw. It’s natural. I may have loved him, but I spared our feelings from getting complicated because I never said anything. He was something I didn’t anticipate would happen. I will say I’m glad he was my first, because I learned so much from the experience. I may have gotten hurt from not being open and honest, but we all do.
Lots of people, I know, look back at their first love with regret, but I’m happy with mine. He was awesome. He was a rockstar. A hidden gem, waiting to shine and I hope he is living happily today. He may look at me with hatred, but it’s okay. I hope that he is still doing music because he was good. He never knew my feelings because I never told him. I’m happy I never dated him or had anything more with him, because now I can look back at what my first love was, fondly.
First love reminds us of that silly little kid in ourselves. That’s why I think we all look back at our first love. Not as a remembrance of the person we loved, but of the person we were. We look back at the kid within ourselves, and smile. We smile because we know that that kid still lives within ourselves and will stay with us until the day we leave this Earth.
My first love was with full of tears, secrets, and dreams. My first love reminds me of the kid still inside me. It helped me grow from the experience. I may have wasted my time and energy on him without ever telling him. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.
The bottle stopped.
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