Sometimes I wonder… Is there more to life than what I am living?
Does it ever get better?
Part 1: Hikari (光)
Hikari awoke before the sunlight dawn approached. She left her husband sleeping. At least one of us can sleep, she thought. She crept from the bedroom to go downstairs to the kitchen and began cooking breakfast.
She scrambled the eggs, cooked the bacon, sliced some apples, and buttered the toast. In between preparing breakfast, she enjoyed her coffee in silence. Nothing was making a sound except the sizzling of the greasy bacon. Hikari sighed to herself and took another sip of her bitter black coffee. She liked waking up early for the silence.
The breakfast split into three to-go containers with Hello, Kitty stickers placed on all three lids. Hikari smiled at the stickers. Screams and laughter were heard coming down the hall. Her two kids, Daiya and Raku, appeared in the kitchen. Raku was Hikari’s oldest, at six years old. Raku loved wearing her hair in pigtails and wore bright pink from head to toe. Daiya was her youngest kid, a four-year-old. He loved being a troublemaker for his mom. He always managed to make messes and was hard to put to sleep.
As soon as her kids were up, Hikari’s silence was but a dream. The two kids got their breakfast and rushed out of the room.
“It’s time for school!” Raku yelled through the house. The two kids called to their mother to hurry, trying not to be late. Hikari put down her half-finished cup of coffee and left with the third breakfast container.
The kids sang English songs in the car that their mother didn’t understand. She felt a disconnect from her two kids. It was important to learn English, but she had a hard time keeping up. She knew basic words and how to introduce herself, but that was as far as it went. She felt foolish that her children had no problem learning something she could not master. They continued to talk amongst themselves. Hikari looked at her children from the rearview mirror. Even though her children were laughing in the backseat, she felt alone.
After dropping off the kids, she found a park and ate her breakfast in the car. A single tear streamed from her cheek as she ate the salty crisp bacon. She saw a vacant bench in the park that overlooked the duck pond and then looked down at her half-eaten breakfast. Maybe it's best to get some fresh air, she thought.
Hikari walked over and cleaned one side of the bench with a napkin she kept in her purse and sat down. The ducks in the pond quacked as children nearby were laughing and screaming, playing a game of tag.
A young woman came abruptly to the bench and said something to Hikari. The woman spoke, in what Hikari could understand, in English. She didn’t know what the woman said, but judging by her pointing at the empty side of the bench, Hikari guessed the woman needed to sit down. She nodded politely to the woman in approval, and the woman sat beside her.
The two sat in silence. Hikari could see the woman tensing her body up. She looks like a volcano ready to explode, Hikari thought to herself. Hikari hoped she was not being too obvious in looking uncomfortable and decided to leave.
The woman then turned to Hikari and said something. Hikari still didn’t understand but saw tears form in her eyes. She didn’t know the foreign words but related to the emotions in the woman’s voice. She sat quietly and let the poor woman talk.
Hikari nodded here and there to act as if she cared. She didn’t want to be rude by being unresponsive. Sharing feelings, especially with strangers, wasn’t something Hikari was used to. She grew up avoiding strangers.
She noticed the woman put her hand to her chest. That was something she had never seen others do. The woman is apologizing, Hikari thought. Apologizing for what, Hikari questioned, as she let the stranger continue talking.
Hikari noticed she crossed her arms, and legs periodically while talking. There was a familiar frown that would appear every time the woman spoke. Hikari then noticed the way a single tear managed to escape her right eye. She nodded to let her know she was listening and continued to let the woman talk.
The woman gave a half-convincing woo of excitement to Hikari and laughed nervously. Hikari decided to imitate the woo, hoping to make her feel better and to show she was paying attention.
The woman continued to talk. As she continued, more tears came down her cheeks. It confirmed to Hikari that she wasn’t in a good place. Hikari picked up some of what she was saying but not enough to understand completely, and knew she was upset. Hikari could relate because she was upset, too.
Deep down, Hikari admired the woman. This woman was expressing herself in public. She was not afraid to show the waterfalls flowing down her cheeks. The more tears that flowed, the further Hikari sank in her seat. Is it okay to share feelings, Hikari questioned consciously? Am I afraid to do that? Hikari knew the answer as she asked herself.
The woman regained composure and wiped the tears from her cheek. She spoke again to Hikari.
“I’m Beth.” The woman said.
Hikari recognized the word “I’m” but could only make out the b-sound in the second word. Besu, Hikari thought it sounded like with the u-sound silent.
“Besu?” Hikari repeated. The woman nodded.
“I am Hikari.” She said in English. “I’m sorry. You look upset.” Hikari continued in Japanese. “I am upset, too.”
Beth sat in amazement, looking at Hikari. She tensed her body and looked around at the park. Hikari knew that the woman was now the one uncomfortable. Since moving to America, she had seen this body language many times. The moment she spoke in her native tongue, people would tense their bodies. They avoided eye contact and treated her like an exotic animal escaping the zoo. She never understood it.
Hikari took the hint that Beth was uncomfortable and picked up her purse to leave. Beth stopped her and said something.
There was empathy in Beth’s eyes. It was something Hikari had never seen anyone express to her after she revealed she could not speak English. It was refreshing and new to her. Beth gently put out her hand to Hikari to continue talking and then put the hand on her lap. She stood, in silence, staring at Hikari to talk. Hikari relaxed a little bit and put her purse back on the bench. Just like Beth, Hikari knew she needed to vent.
Hikari was always shy to tell anyone her true feelings, but she knew she had to get some things off her chest. Whether this would help or not, she was never going to see this stranger again, and they wouldn’t understand what she was saying. It was the perfect way to vent.
“I used to be a dancer. I was not that good, but I love to dance.” Hikari admitted. “Then I met my husband and fell in love. We had a baby together.” Hikari rubbed her belly with her hand to represent a baby. Beth understood and nodded.
“My husband got a new job in America.” She looked at Beth and gave the same woo that Beth gave to her a moment ago. Beth reciprocated. The two laughed as their bodies began to relax more around each other.
“I dreamt of going to America. My friends and family were jealous of my life. I was happy. But no one understands me here. No one speaks Japanese. It’s English. I try learning, but at my age, it is very difficult. Here, I only have my kids and husband. No friends. I love them, but it is not the same. I feel alone.” Hikari felt tears come to her eyes.
She looked to see Beth reflecting the same facial expression. Hikari didn’t want Beth to feel bad for her and decided to laugh a little bit, trying to stay positive.
“I do think about what I would have been like if I was still a dancer.” Hikari continued, smiling. “Would I have been good? Would I have been okay? But all I am allowed to think about now is my children. I love them, but I miss myself. My mother was not a nice person. She would not approve of what I am doing here right now, sharing my feelings with a stranger.” Hikari laughed. She felt like a schoolgirl again, gossiping about boys. She knew Beth didn’t understand what she said, but Beth laughed anyways.
“It feels good to talk about my feelings and no one knows what I am saying. But I do wonder if you feel the same way.” Hikari said. Suddenly, Hikari felt Beth’s hand on hers. She does feel the same way, Hikari thought.
Beth started to talk again. Tears formed in her eyes again. Hikari tried hard to focus her whole attention on the poor woman. She also tried picking up any English she could, but it was hard for her. Beth was talking very low and very fast. She tried to look empathic because there was nothing else to offer the heartbroken woman. Beth then looked at Hikari. From her questionable eyebrow raise and confused look, Hikari knew she was being asked a question but didn’t know the question itself.
Beth said one word and began to repeat it. She first started saying it fast and loud, like she was talking over machinery. Hikari was used to people talking to her like that. She never understood why people did it. It was like they thought that the word would magically make sense to her. Beth then spoke slower until Hikari could finally repeat it.
“Alone?” Hikari questioned, not knowing if she was saying that right.
“By yourself?” Beth said.
Hikari understood those words and translated, “Hitoride.”
Beth nodded and pointed to herself, “I’m Hitoride.”
“Me, too,” Hikari said slowly and pointed to herself, too.
Beth continued to talk and then corrected after a moment, “Hitoride.” Hikari couldn't understand the context but got the idea. Beth continued to talk and then looked at Hikari, who displayed a blank face. Beth raised her eyebrows again and repeated herself. She then did a silly example of a yell to help share what she was saying. Hikari wasn’t prepared for the yell. She looked around and laughed a little. Beth nudged her arm a little while saying something to her.
“Yell,” Beth said and repeated the silly yell. Hikari laughed again. Her belly was hurting from the laughter.
“Yell!” Beth laughed.
Hikari pointed to herself, realizing it was a request. Beth shook her head and laughed. Hikari wasn’t used to being loud in public. She looked around to see if anyone would witness her being silly. When she saw no one in the park, she let out a low yell. That caused Beth to laugh even more. Hikari saw tears rolling down her face, but it wasn’t tears of sadness. It was tears of joy. Before she knew it, Hikari felt her cheeks wet. She was crying from laughter too. Beth said something, but Hikari was too busy crying from laughter to try and translate it.
“It feels good to laugh,” Hikari admitted.
Beth slouched onto the bench, and the frown appeared again. She was asking something again because her eyebrows raised, and then she looked at Hikari. By this point, Hikari knew Beth wasn’t looking for an answer from her. She knew that Beth just wanted to vent some more. Beth spoke for a moment. She twisted her hands together and rocked a little back and forth. A little smile came to Beth at the end of the speech. She laughed a little and looked to Hikari, who gave another blank stare. There were still tears coming down Hikari's face, which made Beth laugh.
“Are you okay?” Beth asked Hikari slowly to help her understand. Hikari looked around again to make sure there was no one in the park. Her smile dropped.
“I could not sleep last night.” she admitted. “But my husband slept like a baby. I was jealous. I have not slept like that in ten years. I never sleep. I like to look at old photographs of myself and dream. I hide the photographs from my family. It is silly, but I do not think they want to see that. No one wants to see that. I do not know who I am anymore. I am lost, and I do not know where to look. Being here today with you makes me feel excited. It has been a long time since I felt this way.”
Hikari gripped her knees together and closed her eyes to hide more tears. Beth sighed and put her hand on Hikari’s shoulder.
“I worry that I will not be more than a mom,” Hikari added. “But I wonder if being just a mom is a bad thing… My mother was strict. But she did her best. I try my best, but life has not been too kind.” Tears went down her cheeks again. “Will life ever get better?” She asked.
The two stared at each other in silence. They smirked a little.
“You do not know what I am saying,” Hikari said as Beth said something in unison. The two laughed. “I think I need to be myself,” Hikari said, determined and looked at Beth.
“I’m going to do it,” Beth said, determined too.
Hikari tilted her head. She understood what she was saying but wasn’t sure of the context. Beth looked at her and thought to herself. Beth then decided to do the silly yell again.
Hikari did it too. Beth laughed.
Hikari could see the excitement in her new friend’s eyes. The sound on Hikari’s phone went off, causing her to panic.
“I do apologize. I need go.” Hikari said, grabbing her purse. The two stood up and looked at each other in silence. They were both smirking a little.
“I…” Hikari paused before continuing her English. “I like you,” Hikari said. Beth smiled. “I like you, too,” Beth said.
“Thank you!” Hikari smiled.
The two hugged each other. Hikari wondered if this would be their only encounter. She left knowing that she would be okay either way.
Hikari picked up her kids from school. They yelled in the backseat all the way home as Hikari got lost in thoughts of happiness.
Maybe I can be both a mom and a person, she thought. They arrived home, and the kids went yelling throughout the house. Hikari took off her shoes and went directly to the linen closet. She pulled out some old pictures of herself in Kabuki outfits with heavy makeup and hair done. She smiled and put them on the coffee table in the living room.
Her kids stopped playing, catching their attention to the pictures of a young dancer.
“Who is that mommy?” Raku asked.
“That is me,” Hikari admitted. Both of her kids looked at the pictures. They awed out loud. Hikari laughed a little.
“You look beautiful, mommy.” Raku said.
“Beautiful!” Daiya exclaimed.
Hikari never felt prouder. She kissed them both on their foreheads and went into the kitchen to make dinner for her family.
Part 2: Beth (ベス)
The sunlight of dawn approached through the hospital curtains. Beth stood watching her mother cry over the flat line in the bed. Her father lay lifeless as the nurses and doctor tried to console the grieving widow. Beth stayed by the window as she heard the medical staff repeat, “It’ll be alright. He is no longer in pain.”
Beth let a single tear run down her rosy cheek before leaving the room as the flat line continued. It was all she could hear, even when she got into her car and locked the doors.
Her phone lit up with the caller ID showing her mom calling. She couldn’t bring herself to answer. She wanted to explode but didn't want to do it there. Not now. The car went in reverse and sped off to the exit.
An ambulance passed her on the road, with its sirens on. It brought back memories from a few days ago when they came to get her father. She started to dry-heave and pulled over.
Beth got out of the car and tried to catch her breath. Her phone rang. It was her mom, again. She ignored it and called another number in her contacts.
“Hey, girl, I was just thinking about you!” A woman answered.
“Hey,” Beth tried to keep back her tears. “What are you doing?”
“Jordan and I were just talking about going out tonight. Want to join?”
“No, I can’t.” Beth whimpered. “You see, my dad—”
“Oh, it’s a shame you can’t come out!” The woman cut her off. “Let’s talk later, okay?”
Beth nodded as she hung up the phone and tears ran down her face. She gripped her hands into a fist and took a deep breath in. She tried to scream at the top of her lungs, but instead her body shook. She fell to the ground and cried some more.
Sirens were heard in the background again. The flatline rang in her mind as she remembered seeing her father passed out on the kitchen floor. I can’t stay in this city any longer, she thought.
Beth got in her car and drove as far as she could until her tears clouded the view to see. She turned into the nearest parking lot she could find and stopped the car. Beth caught a glimpse of herself in the rearview mirror. Her hair was disheveled in a ponytail and mascara was runny from crying.
She began to see the wrinkles in the corner of her eyes. Beth poured out the contents from her purse and frantically looked for her concealer. She touched up her face with a heavy layer.
Beth saw her bloodshot eyes and knew if she didn’t get out of her car the makeup she freshly applied would be ruined. I need fresh air, she thought.
Near her was a park. Sounds of ducks and laughter filled the air. Sunlight filled the park with warmth, something Beth needed. She felt like a brick of ice. She walked through the park and noticed a little girl being chased by her father. Beth started to think of her childhood and how the man who lay in the hospital bed once did that to her.
“I’m going to get you!” She could hear her father saying in her head. Her feet started to drag. She felt clammy. Her joints began to stiffen.
I need to sit down, she thought. Beth saw a bench occupied by a young Asian woman. She hurried over and said, “May I sit here?” Beth pointed to the empty side of the bench. The woman looked at Beth, confused, and then to the empty seat on the bench. The woman nodded, and Beth plopped on the bench.
Beth could feel her body wanting to explode. It was tensed from head to toe. She gripped her knees together and bit her lip. She noticed the woman next to her try to sit up.
“I’m sorry,” Beth began. “I—my, my dad just died.” She added. The words rang through her mind, confirming that this was her new reality. She felt tears run down both of her cheeks. The woman sat back down to listen.
“I was there when he—” She stopped herself and continued, “My dad was a great man. Taught me everything I know. I have no complaints of my childhood, because of him.” She wiped the tears from coming down her cheeks. “It was inevitable, I know—” she sniffed. “I just had hope.” She crossed her arms and saw kids playing in the distance. “It’s funny when we’re kids, we think we’ll live forever. But we get older and realize that we can like, die at any time.” Beth looked at the woman. She could see she was making the stranger uncomfortable and apologized.
“I know we just met, but it’s nice to get this out.” Beth put her hand on her chest and smiled. “Thank you.” She added.
“I used to think I was untouchable. I had great parents and a ton of friends. And then I turned thirty and it was like a magic trick, poof,” She mimicked an explosion with her hands, “Gone. I don’t really have any friends. Like, I have friends but they’re going through their own thing. I guess the feeling is mutual. Oh, to be an adult.” Beth made a half-convincing woo sound of excitement and laughed a little. The woman repeated the woo, making Beth smile.
“I’m ignoring my mom—I can’t talk to her now. My dad’s death confirmed that one day I’m going to lose her, too. I can’t do this again.” Tears flowed down her cheeks again. “Sorry, I’m being rude.” She wiped the tears from her cheeks. “I’m Beth.” She noticed the woman look at her and then looked around, confused.
“Besu?” The woman asked. Beth didn’t hear the th-sound but thought it was close enough and agreed.
The woman nodded and said slowly, “I am Hikari.” The woman thought for a moment and then added, “Gomen nasai. Kanashii soudesu ne. Watashi mo kanashii desu.” Beth was speechless from the woman’s language. She couldn’t think of what to say. She became embarrassed and began to wonder if she just vented to a woman who had no idea what she was saying. The woman nodded with a sigh and started to collect her purse to leave.
“No, don’t go!” Beth said. “I didn’t mean to be rude.” She added as the woman sat down again. Beth could see the tears forming in the woman’s eyes. I vented to this woman; The respectable thing to do is to let her talk too, Beth thought. “Please, talk to me.” Beth gently put her hand out to indicate to go next and then put her hands on her lap.
The woman began her story. Beth tried her best to pay attention but was lost in the translation. She decided to focus on Hikari’s body language rather than what was coming out of her mouth. Hikari looked like a tornado taking flight and letting her words go loose. Hikari put her hand on her belly and rubbed it. She has a baby, Beth thought and nodded to show she understood. To her surprise, Hikari gave the same woo sound made earlier. Beth reciprocated, and the two laughed. The woman continued.
Beth could see the woman was in pain. It was like looking in a mirror. Beth started to cry. She couldn’t understand the woman, but every inch of her felt like crying. To her surprise, the woman began to cry too. The woman looked up and saw Beth staring at her. The woman laughed in awkwardness and then continued to tell her problems.
A smile came to Beth as the woman spoke. Hikari laughed like a schoolgirl. There was an innocent cuteness about her that made Beth reciprocate the laugh. She realized she was starting to feel a little happy. I can’t understand her, she thought, but she feels more like a friend than my actual friends.
Beth held Hikari’s hand and smiled. Hikari looked at her.
“I know you can’t understand me,” Beth began, “It’s nice to talk to someone about my feelings.” She said as tears formed in her eyes again, falling down her cheek. “I’m realizing that I have nothing in life—My father’s gone—Time’s moving too fast—I just can’t catch my breath. I’m so alone.”
Beth looked at Hikari, who suddenly put her head to one side. Beth knew the woman didn’t understand what she was saying. She repeated a few times, “Alone.” The more she said it, the more the word drug out.
“A—lone?” Hikari asked.
“Solo?” Beth clarified.
“Oh, hitoride.”
Beth nodded and pointed to herself, “I’m hitoride.”
“Me—too,” Hikari said slowly in English, pointing to herself.
“That’s me,” Beth said. “Hitoride.” She slouched a little. “My friends have faded each year and I thought, at least I still have my parents.” Beth noticed the blank stare from Hikari. She took comfort in that. At least, she felt the feeling was mutual. They did not understand each other. They had each other.
“Life sucks, you know?” Beth admitted. “No one cares. People will expect me to get over it and just go back to work—like it never happened. I have been living the same life for five years—wake up, get into traffic, go to my shitty job, come home and do it again the next day. I’m tired of the daily rut.” She then began to smile. “What I wouldn’t give to just stop—get as far as I can from this town, and just yell. You know,” Beth imitated a low yell. Hikari stood up and looked around, which made Beth laugh. Hikari laughed, too. She nudged Hikari’s arm and directed her to yell too.
“Yell,” Beth said and then repeated the low yell from earlier. Hikari laughed some more, holding her stomach.
“Yell!” Beth laughed. Hikari pointed to herself. Beth laughed some more, nodding her head yes. Hikari looked around and saw no one paying attention to them. The woman let out a low yell. Beth could hear the nervousness in the yell, and it caused her to laugh louder. The two started laughing in unison, tears rolling down their faces. Hikari said something in Japanese, but Beth was too busy laughing to even try to hear her. Not that she would understand it.
“I have wanted to do that for five years, but I don’t have the courage.” Beth frowned. “I can’t seem to just get out of town and full-on yell.”
The sound of the flatline returned to Beth’s memory. She slouched a little bit. “I don’t know how to grieve someone, Hikari,” Her fingers twisted. “Especially someone I never thought I’d lose. He loved me no matter what I did—Once, when I was fourteen, I ran away to California, in love with this wannabe singer. He told me he had big dreams for both of us. I thought I was invincible. Finally,” She smiled, remembering, “My dad came and got me—I don’t know how he found me—but he did. He always saved me.” Beth laughed and then looked at Hikari, who still had tears coming down her face from when they laughed.
Beth started laughing, and Hikari joined. “I’m sorry. I talk a lot. Are you okay?” Beth asked. Hikari looked around again, her smile went away, and then began talking in her native language. There’s pain in her eyes, Beth thought as the woman spoke.
Beth put her hand on the woman’s shoulder as she continued talking. There was a way Hikari ended her speech that Beth knew she was asking a question. Hikari’s eyebrows rose as she looked at Beth. The two looked at each other in silence and then smiled a little.
“I don’t know what you’re saying,” Beth said as Hikari said something in unison. The two laughed. Hikari looked straight ahead and said something determined. She then looked at Beth. There is now a spark in her eyes, Beth observed.
The idea of getting out of town and yelling came back to Beth’s mind after seeing Hikari’s determination. The look in Hikari’s eyes inspired her in that moment.
“I’m going to do it,” Beth said, making up her mind. She looked at Hikari, who looked confused. An alarm went off on Hikari’s watch. Hikari was startled and quickly grabbed her purse, speaking in Japanese. The two stood up together.
“I…” Beth noticed Hikari struggle with the English words she was about to say. “I like you,” Hikari said. It took Beth by surprise. This was a brief encounter, the quickest Beth had ever interacted with anyone, but this was the best. “I like you, too,” Beth said.
“Arigatou Gozaimashita!” Hikari shouted. The two embraced with a hug.
I don’t want to let her go, she thought. They stopped hugging each other and went their separate ways.
Beth caught a glimpse of herself in the rearview mirror when she got back to the car. She wiped her cheeks with a napkin from her glove compartment. She embraced her wrinkles and smiled.
She thought about her new friend also. The laughter they shared. The pain and sorrow of tears they shed together. The love they had for each other, even though it was a quick moment. It was a moment Beth needed.
She drove for miles out of the city until she reached the sunset on the side of a deserted road. She stepped out of her vehicle and walked a few feet from the car. Nothing was around for miles. No houses, people, or cars. She thought of her father gasping for the little air he had left, and her mother crying. The flatline and sirens began ringing in her head once more.
The sun was barely peeking through the landscape. Beth took a deep breath, taking in the view. Finally, she let out a loud yell into the air. She breathed heavily, taking in the same view as before with a new perspective.
Silence filled the air, and it was welcoming.
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